Last night was rough. I tossed and turned, sweaty, achy and frustrated that my legs had little room to stretch with my cat hogging the bed. Normally, even this mild discomfort, would make my nervous system freak out! When I am uncomfortable, I’d normally go into panic and fix it mode. My form of control was to begin neatly stacking all my problems like a package of Saltine crackers (not just the one in that moment). I actually feared I’d forget a “problem” therefore miss fixing it, like it would sneak up on me and surprise me if I let my guard down!
Wow, that’s exhausting!!
Last night I just let it be what it was. I wasn’t happy about it but I didn’t try to fix it and I just listened as my mind created future potential problems that it felt I should be aware of and thus guard against. What if you’re alone forever? Who will take care of you? How are you going to handle all this land on your own? What if a mountain lion attacks you while you’re mowing the lawn?!? (Yes, I seriously thought this!) What if? What if? What if?
What if I remember that everything in my life has always worked out perfectly? What if I keep trusting that the move I’m making is exactly where I’m supposed to be? What if I keep playing with the dreams of what I want and surrender to it all? What if I choose to stop being so hard on myself and acknowledge more of what I’ve accomplished and less on what I haven’t?
I choose, we choose, the what if’s. And what if the part of you freaking out isn’t even you? I used to think this was a part of me that I had to learn to control and master. This part is actually something that doesn’t literally belong to me, that was never any part of the truth of who I am and is no longer welcome to hitch a ride on this woman’s journey. 🙌