If you’ve been following my story, you may be wondering what happened with the person that literally changed the course of my life. The time between the retreat, my divorce and a few years into being single, our relationship became fragmented, diluted. It’s not surprising as I had changed the playing field, thus the rules of the game. I was now single, he was still married. This certainly made things easier for us but I’m sure he knew this situation wouldn’t last forever and I could feel him distancing himself, perhaps protecting himself.
I unconsciously began to harbor deep anger and resentment towards him which took a toll on us. My life and health had been turned upside down and he was still exactly in the same place, enjoying all the perks of his cozy life and me on the side. At the time I was only willing to take partial responsibility for my mess, I wanted him to feel what I was feeling. Right or wrong, good or bad, I didn’t know any better at the time.
Everything we were feeling individually further deepened the wedge between us because we were no longer open books. We kept our hearts guarded and the beautiful honesty we had shared was lost. I wanted him to want to be with me but whenever I felt him move in this direction, I would panic. I knew deep down that we would never work in “real life” and when I began to honor that knowing, I drifted further away.
We were a moment in time and the best way to honor that is to let it be no more than that. Almost 2 years after my divorce and seeing James on and off, I began to feel ready for someone else in my life. I was lonely and almost as soon as I opened this space, someone appeared. I wish it hadn’t been the thing to put our story to rest. I wish I would have healed our story on my own as I did with my ex. I believe denying myself that healing perpetuated me jumping deep into the first “normal” relationship I had had in a very long time, but that’s a different tale.
It’s now been over a decade since James and I parted ways. How do I look back on our time together? I wish it wasn’t so, but I still only see the pain. I see a lost girl who didn’t love herself very much. I see the girl who never felt safe on earth or in this body. I see the woman who finally listened to her heart but was too sacred to stay in that space long enough. It took me continued health issues and another relationship to learn the same damn thing…always follow your truth.
There is nothing more important than this. Nothing. Don’t wait. Don’t walk. Find it within you and fucking run to it as if your life depends on it. Because my friend, it does. It does.
Want to read from the beginning? Start here.