“It’s been over a decade since I ended my long-term affair yet I could feel the trauma of living that lie like it was happening right now.”
I had a rare dream about James last night. Probably because he popped up in my email by some sort of spam from his contact list. What was so surprising was the state of anxiety I woke up in. It was like I had stepped back over a decade in time.
In my dream, we were in a hotel lobby in South Carolina and I was on the phone with someone who felt like my husband. He thought I was in Florida as I had led him to believe and he wanted to meet me. I began to have a panic attack and couldn’t catch my breath. My mind was trying desperately to figure out how to fix the situation. A situation that I knew all too well.
I woke up still in a state of anxiety and even though I knew now that it wasn’t real, the old me took over. I started running elaborate scenarios in my head one after the other. It took me several minutes to comprehend what I was doing. When it finally registered, I started to talk to my body. I told her she was safe and that I would never put her in that position again. I soothed her and I eased myself out of the heightened anxiety that I woke up with.
There was a part of me reliving that experience for a reason. I took it as a reminder to always live in my truth. I accepted it as a healing of an old wound.
It’s been over a decade since I ended my long-term affair yet I could feel the trauma of living that lie like it was happening right now. I had no idea the damage I was doing to my body by ignoring my stress and ignoring how my body was reacting to it. It is not normal to stay in fight or flight day after day, year after year. It will catch up to you and that is why I am sharing this story.
No matter the situation, being in a relationship that you do not want to be in is toxic to your body. If you feel you’re doing a good job keeping it all together, I suggest looking at other parts of your life. Are you highly discouraged with your career, are you experiencing health problems, are you short-tempered with friends or your children, etc. The emotions need a release somewhere and so we will instinctively find another avenue elsewhere in our lives. You, your soul, higher self, whatever you want to call it, is communicating through your body.
Are you listening?
To follow my divorce journey from the beginning, begin here.
Ready for my next greatest adventure? Start here: Redefining Adventure