I wasn’t really listening.

I recently had a furniture repair man at the house. He asked me some questions and I told him that time wasn’t an issue because I wouldn’t be moving this piece until next year. He continued to ask me the same question and I said, “Like I said, I don’t need this for awhile.”   He responded, “Oh ok, I wasn’t really listening.”

At least he admitted it. Aside from being perturbed, I had to laugh to myself. This has been the story of my life, feeling unheard. It is not because I don’t speak up; trust me, I speak the fuck up!  I’ve yelled, screamed, and thrown tantrums begging to be heard. Begging to be acknowledged only to feel like I’m beating a dead horse. 

After failure after failure to be heard, I began to question myself, even thinking I must be crazy, what is wrong with me, I need to try harder!  And so, I continued letting my feelings fester and denying my truth. 

I put myself in these situations. I chose to not listen to myself and stay in a relationship that wasn’t working. I chose to go to round after round of counseling at the advice of friends and drag out the never-changing pattern.  I chose to shame and squash the voice within telling me that I’m just not happy. I chose fear every…damn…day.

I blame no one, not even myself because along the way I learned, I grew and I healed. Of course, I wish it wouldn’t have taken so damn long but it’s been a great fucking ride full of many wonderful things too and every bit of it led me to here, to my next greatest adventure.  

The only tragedy is never growing, never experiencing a moment of true freedom.  What is true freedom?  Listening to the beat of your own heart.  Are you listening?

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