The Muck and the Mire

I answered the call to Yellowstone and back. Back. That’s where I was in late 2020. Back home after the adventure of a lifetime trying to figure out what the hell it all meant. What was the purpose of that undeniable call just to be back in the same worn-out situation of my marriage?

All signs were pointing to what I was feeling energetically; aka this push that feels so strong that it almost feels physically real.  One by one, I continued to dismiss them.  Instead I had to find a new way, another way in which I could change, where I could be better.  Something had to be wrong with me and if so, I needed to figure it out and change it.  This I could control.  This was tangible.

I had a friend do a card reading for me. I knew what was coming and regretted asking about my marriage immediately.  She said everything I already knew in my heart and for a few moments I was grateful.  It’s exhausting being in a space of indecision.  A peace came over me.  My insides liked showing me that what I was feeling wasn’t a ridiculous bunch of nonsense. Before I could even enjoy that sweet moment of reprieve, I began to go back to my excuses.  What about my kids? I’m not miserable.  This makes no sense.  Why am I trying to make my life harder?  I have a good easy life!

I wasn’t ready to let this knowing have a home yet and so, I let God have it.  Not like handing my worries over, more like, WTF?!? Why are you making me do this?  Not again!  This is cruel and unusual punishment!  I already went through one divorce and suffered with health issues for over a decade, can’t I have a fucking break already??!!  Oh and by the way…GOD, we’re in the middle of a pandemic; the world is going to shit and so isn’t this really bad timing?

It’s much easier to blame this archetypal figure than to own my true feelings.  For a moment anyway.  I had let this all go on for so long that the real me felt like a vague memory.  Something had called me to reread some of my posts from years ago.   It all came flooding back, the same inner turmoil, the same questions, the same anger of not again!  YEARS ago!! Had our relationship improved or have I just learned to shut down my feelings?  We all adapt.  We all get comfortable in our new norms if given enough time. 

I found my thoughts filled with more excuses by the minute.  How many messages does it take?  How many signs and confirmations?  How much physical pain will it take?  Endless. That’s the answer, endless, until I know it in my heart.  Until I allow space for it.  No one can tell me, I must get there myself.  I never thought to just be ok with not knowing. I’m a woman of action. Sitting on a life-changing decision just isn’t how I roll.

Christmas Eve found me laying in the tub depressed and wondering why I was no longer afraid of death. I’ve always been afraid of death since I was a kid. I guess the grown-up world was tougher than I thought. At the time I was having some pretty intense abdominal pain.  I didn’t know yet that it was just some inflammation.  My head went to worst case scenario…cancer.  Then my next thought was actually, well, if I die, I won’t have to go through this divorce!  Ah, peace! The thought itself wasn’t shocking to me, the lack of shock was shocking to me.  I would later find out just how much I really really didn’t want to go through this divorce.

A mentor of mine said, “Many aren’t going to be able to hack this time and will leave this planet.“ Am I one of those “can’t hack it-ers”? While most were worried about this bs pandemic that she was actually referring to, I was nose-deep in my own pithy relationship problems. I felt like I was literally falling apart. Pain here, there, everywhere. Thinking about the worst case scenario was my only comfort. Worst that could happen was I die and the suffering would finally be over.  Finally!!

I could hardly stand myself soaked in so much gloom and doom. I felt almost embarrassed by my line of thinking which I find very strange. It was like I wasn’t even taking my own feelings seriously. I began to fantasize about what I would do if I knew I was dying soon. I know that, I’d buy a motor home and travel. I thought, I can do that now, why wait?

Then something unexpected happened. As clear as if Andy Dufresne himself were standing next to me, I heard, get busy living or get busy dying. It’s so fucking true and simple until we start adding addendums to it and put ourselves right back where we started. I felt a bit of life slip back into me and I heard my insides say in quick response, I choose living! Hmm, where did that come from? Feeling unconvinced, I questioned this unearthly response. I heard, because this sad morose person isn’t me. I have things to do, people to love and places to see.

I don’t know how, I said to myself.

I’ll show you, I heard. And indeed, she did.

Up Next: Decisions, decisions, decisions...

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