Decisions, decisions, decisions…

My little voice inside told me she would guide me. She was so loud and clear on what felt like my 99th dark night of the soul that there was no denying it. The impact was visceral and I reveled in the temporary reprieve it gave my nervous system. This reprieve allowed me to drop, for a moment anyway, the external bullshit that my mind would normally cling to like a horse fly and instead offer me the opportunity to be proactive. So I asked myself, what do I want? This question should be the question we ask ourselves a million times a day. I can’t even imagine the amount of pain and suffering that would end if we only had the guts to answer honestly.

If my road trip to Yellowstone taught me anything it’s that being outside in nature is my happy place. So I started with the knowing that I wanted a job outdoors and I wanted to fully support myself financially on this adventure. Giving myself space to imagine this as a possibility quickly led me to a place that I had unexpectedly discovered on my way to Yellowstone. Little did I know, this slice of heaven on earth had imprinted on me and I was back out west within months living and working in the great outdoors for the next 6 months.

While I was blissed out for this upcoming adventure, I had also set the intention to figure out what to do, once and for all, about my marriage during these months of alone time. In retrospect, I had really assigned myself the task of figuring out how to stay alive underwater. WTF? I have never felt more split in my entire life; I was simultaneously in heaven and in hell. I couldn’t just enjoy myself in one of the most beautiful places in the country and allow the answers to come to me. I obsessed with this decision because it felt like I couldn’t move forward and honestly, life felt like it was forcing me to decide. I was at a crossroads. I had to turn left or right and the stagnation of being at this fork in the road was driving me insane. My feet felt cemented, my entire being felt caged until I committed one way or the other. Or so that’s what I told myself.

The funny thing is, there was really only one road, one option. The road of staying in the marriage was a mirage. It was really me staying stuck but I clung to the mirage as a possibility, if I could be a better person, less selfish, more appreciative of my life; all the typical punches in the face we like to give ourselves. I knew I needed to choose divorce, it was the only option that felt open to take this next journey that life was pulling me towards. It didn’t make sense, I couldn’t articulate the why’s or what this journey even was but I knew it with every cell in my body. And those mother-fuckers were screaming at me!

My mind was trying desperately to override my heart, my deep-knowing. I was determined to figure this out after all. I just hadn’t solved the puzzle yet until one day, I had had enough. I was talking to my husband on the phone and I knew he could sense my pulling away. During the last few months I had put myself right back in the brutal, life-sucking position of my first marriage, me trying to pretend I was happy, but in that moment I couldn’t fake it another minute. I said the words, “I want a divorce.” I did it. I actually did it! I found the courage! And then everything fell apart.

(This is a continuation from The Muck and The Mire)

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