Holding on

I am not sure how much more I can take.

Today is our anniversary.  Much like the three before it, we fought.

I went rock climbing once in Alaska.  I had on a harness, I was connected to ropes, and a person at the bottom was there to tighten the rope should I slip or fall.  I was about half way up this vertical piece of gnarly rock when I panicked.  I needed to give a good reach to a two-fingered hold, but I couldn’t move.  My arms and legs were beginning to weaken and I couldn’t hold on for much longer.  Everyone began shouting at me, telling me what to do.  They were trying to help, but all I could think about was falling.  Even though I would not fall far, I would swing across the rock face quite a bit and surely slam some important body part against the jagged, unforgiving rock.

My mother was roped in not too far from me.  She could see the desperation in my eyes.  She began to descend a bit and slowly crept over closer to me.  She looked me straight in the eye, and with an extreme calm and confidence, she told me what to do.  I did it and of course, I made it.  One of the pictures I have of this excursion is a favorite of mine.  I am petrified, but I am smiling and saying between gritted teeth, “Hurry up and take the freakin’ picture!”

This is where I feel I am.  Smiling on the outside, but on the inside, I’m holding on for dear life.  I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on.  I just want to let go.  I am beginning not to care who gets hurt.  Where is my mother when I need her?


6 thoughts on “Holding on

  1. Happy Anniversary to revisit the time you first connected~Love! Maybe that same fear of falling is where you are in the marriage? Marriage requires not only a two-finger stronghold, but two hearthold as well! Love is an infinite energy~the key is Sustainability! A healthy environment is necessary to the survival of Humans. Relationships need to be maintained, supported & endured much like our bodies need nutrition & exercise~let go & our relationships get out of shape too! Sustainable living is about reorganizing & readjusting our lifestyles & living conditions with the resources we already have. Marriage is meant to be a commitment to sustainability “to Have and to Hold” in Love! Marriage is not meant to be for individual but also for family unit & for society to share in the infinite energy of Love! Ask any older couple the key to marriage~”hard work” & commitment to each other & family! Ask any trainer the key to a fit body~”hard work” & commitment to nourish & exercise body! Same thing~need to Nourish & Exercise relationship skills! Do you still have the “Two finger & two heart stronghold to survive? Embrace your fear to become stronger & push through! Ask for help to Sustain with the resources you already have!

    1. Thank you for your words. I agree with you but some relationships are toxic and not meant to be forever. It is that knowing of when it is time to let go that I have come to. I have given it my all. I can walk away knowing that.

  2. Take a deep breath and comfort yourself with the fact that your river is on the course it’s meant to be on. You can choose to flow with it, hair in the wind, heart-in-the-mouth, or you can get stuck and watch the waves flow past. You are strong and you have given it all you’ve got to give, as you say…so now there’s nothing to fear. All easier said, I know. But just to say don’t worry, I’m rooting for you and you’re going to be okay!

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