I woke up feeling a bit sentimental over my mother today. I find it surprising since I have been upset with her lately. Try as I might to figure it out, I’ve decided to just allow it.
What is it about mother’s? I can never be mad at her for long. Even when she has done horrible things, I still love her, I still need her, and I still want her in my life.
We are so alike and yet so different. On the outside, we look just alike (Ok, you can’t really tell with me as a baby but trust me, we look alike!). On the inside, we are both strong and creative. We are both critical and I hate that about myself (Mom, sorry, but I blame you!). Yet there is something very different that it is hard to put into words. She is guarded with me if I had to guess, and I will never know or understand why.
We live on opposite ends of the States so we rarely see one another. I miss her desperately at times. I envy those that have their mother’s close. I have always craved a closer relationship with her. She is very independent and too self-serving to put time into our relationship. That is my side of the story anyway. These are my expectations of what I want from her and I know that is something I should not do. She is who she is and I must love and accept her for that. And I do, most of the time.
So Mom, even though you will never see this, I want to say that where ever you are, whatever mountain you are climbing, whatever cave you are exploring, whatever trail you are meandering, I love you til the ends of the earth, which is usually where you are! I will always crave more of you, but thank you for being there when I have needed you most!
The Heroine's Adventure 
Moms and daughters have a different relationship I believe than any others we ever have. My mom has been gone for over 11 years and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her terribly…we were extremely close though the last 16 1/2 years she was alive and sober. Before that we had a love/hate relationship…I find myself so much like her today…which is scary in a way. Especially when I laugh, because I hear her and it is a little startling to hear your dead mother’s laugh come out of your own mouth.
I live in her home (I inherited it after my dad passed 7 1/2 years ago) and I see her in every room…
I have a grown son who is my bane at the moment. He is about to deploy to the middle east and I’m finding letting him go is a difficult thing. He has the demons his grandparents did but his demons are actively tearing his life apart at the moment and there is nothing I can do or say that will teach him anything…so I must sit and watch and pray that he doesn’t damage himself too badly before my eyes…there’s nothing more I can do.
I think as mothers we have to let go….some do it easier than others…but as daughters, if we are mothers, we have to do it twice…first we must let go of our moms…sometimes before they actually leave this earth and sometimes we get lucky and only have to do it once when they leave…then we have to let go of our children so that they learn how to fly on their own….
So, being a mother/daughter team I think is just one of those complex relationships that there is no easy answer….it sounds as if you are doing well with knowing that she is her own person…I understand that you want more…you crave more…but then again…she’s your mom. We always want that nurturing bond…that never changes…even when they are gone for good~ Hang in there
Thank you for sharing that with me. It is beautiful that you have your mother’s laugh. While weird, I hope it is a happy reminder. I have my mother’s and my grandmother’s hands. I think of them often when I look at them. It makes me happy even though I have inherited their wormy veins and long fingers! haha.
I have 3 sons and while they are amazing kids, whenever they go through tough times, there is absolutely nothing on the planet that breaks a heart more. All we can do is love them and pray, just like you said. I’ll send a little prayer out for your son too! You are right, we have to let them go at some point. I’m just sending mine out with a parade of angels to watch over them! 🙂
Thank you again so much for sharing.
I love that thought of sending them out with a parade of Angels. I too hope that my son has many Angels watching over him. I know there are a couple because of some of the things that have happened to him and probably more things that I don’t even know about! LOL
I really enjoy your writing! Thanks again for the prayers for my son…I will say goodbye to him later today and I pray he doesn’t deploy before I manage to get to his base in a week…I’d like to hug his neck one last time! 🙂
My mom was the same way – so guarded…and when she died I felt like I knew her as my mother but not as her own individual self and the regret there is strong. Strange relationships mothers and daughters, but the most important we probably ever have in our lives