How Coffee Became a Morning Addiction (A creation myth.)

Joe works for the CIA.  He works in a cubicle with hundreds of other neckties.  They work the daily shuffle of papers, the usual spying on foreign leaders, and currently, the Watergate mess that was about to embarrass the lot of them.  These men started early and stayed late.  There was little time for sleep between work and mowing the lawn.  And forget about those pesky wives, and peskier children.  No time for that non-sense with the director down their throats.

The director was growing weary of hounding his men.  The new 10 minute breaks at the water cooler were doing little to sustain energy.  As he was getting a blood pressure check at the onsite medical office, he decided to ask the doctor if he had any advice on how to keep the energy up for his men.  The doctor asked the director if his men where eating a balanced diet, receiving proper care and attention from their wives, and getting enough sleep.  The director did not know the answer to these questions, but he was sure to make it happen.  He left the docs office feeling confident that his men would be in tip-top shape within a week.

As soon as the director got back to his office he dictated a memo to his secretary as follows:

To the wives of all CIA employees,

Being a CIA agent is a very demanding job.  We require a high amount of intelligence at all times.  This can be very stressful on our men; therefore, we are asking for your help.  Wives have the highest honor in taking care of our fine men.  In order for them to perform at their highest level, they require a hardy, well-balanced meal, three times a day.  They must also be allowed to rest and decompress when they come home from a hard days work.  Please keep children quiet during this time.  Offering your husband compassion and complements about his hard work will surely help sustain him though his day.  We here, at the CIA, thank you for servicing our men in all capacities.  It is your patriotic duty.  Be proud.  Be American.


Very Important, Person

Surprisingly, a week later, the director saw no change in his men.  He began pacing his office with a furrowed brow, wondering how he was going to solve this very serious problem.  These were good men but they were beginning to look like zombies.   The agency’s reputation was under attack by its very own country.  It was more important than ever to keep his overworked staff on high alert.  Just then the phone rang.

“Important, how can I help you,” he said.  It was his informant in Mexico.  Top Secret was talking so fast that the director could hardly keep up.  He asked Mr. Secret if he could slow down.  Mr. Secret agreed but began to repeat the information at the same speed.  Mr. Important grew frustrated and asked Top why he was talking so fast.  The informant apologized profusely and told Mr. Secret that it must be the coffee.  Apparently, while infiltrating the Mexican government, the informant became addicted to the stuff.   At the end of the call, Mr. Important commended the man for his service and the sacrifices he had taken to keep his identity safe.

After hanging up with Mr. Secret, the director’s wheels were spinning.  Could this be the answer he was looking for?  He decided to test this theory on his top guy, Joe.  After waiting a week for the supply from Mexico, he told Joe that his country was in need of his service more than ever.  He told him that the government was testing a new drink that could increase productivity by 50%.  Joe, of course, agreed without hesitation.

A week later and the results were amazing.  The director could not believe the increase in alertness and productivity in Joe and soon began offering free coffee to everyone in the office  Coffee needed to come to America.  Mr. Important contacted the President and told him of his discovery.   He expressed the need to bring coffee into all government agencies as a start.  The director knew this could become huge across the entire country.  The President agreed and let Mr. Secret begin the process of importing coffee in large quantities.  The director was so excited after the call that he immediately contacted his good friend, Iam Starbucks, who knew a thing or two about importing.  This was going to be big, he thought.

A week later, Joe noticed he was beginning to lag a bit after lunch.  He had just read something about this new soda pop drink.  He made a mental note to talk to the director about this.


**If you’re wondering why I wrote this silly mess, honestly, I am too.   I do not know what portion of my brain, if any, this came from because it is so not like my usual writing!  If you are one of my regular followers and actually made it to this part, I apologize!  And have no fear, this was a momentary blip on the radar.  This was my response to this week’s writing challenge:  “Are you ready to spin a good origin tale?  This week, we ask you to invent (or reinvent) a creation myth.”  I have to say though, it was fun to go a bit off kilter. 🙂

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