A secret life.

This post is a continuation of my story, the last related post being, My Decent.  My story is a cautionary tale in some sense.  I came through it a better person, thankfully, and that is why I have chosen to tell it.  I will be judged and that is OK.  I will be embarrassed and ashamed, but that is OK too.  I have to believe there is a greater good in sharing my experience.  My feelings at the time of my affair are difficult to express without romanticizing it to some extent and I struggle with that.  It makes me feel like I am justifying it and I am not.  There is a strange dichotomy going on.  I have no regrets because it made me who I am, but I certainly would do things differently knowing what I know now.

I have been putting off this part of the story for the above mentioned reasons, distracting myself with other “easier” topics. I was so insanely in love.  Now, I feel nothing.  That knowing makes me distrustful of my very own feelings.  Perhaps that is further proof to me that living in the moment is really all that matters.  Enough stalling, time to tell…

After James and I met online, our relationship progressed at a frenetic pace.  I found myself thinking of him every waking moment.  I even began to act differently, as if he was watching my every move.  My body felt more alive than I can ever remember.  Every sense became heightened.  Every move was thoughtful, as if in slow motion.  I felt I was vibrating on some higher frequency.  We came to use each others words and anything that made us feel connected.  We had seen only one picture of the other and it was enough to want to know more.

I can not recall how long it was before we decided to meet in person.  Or more like, he decided.  He was always pushing me for more and I let him.  The first time we met, I was a mess.  I do not ever remember being so nervous and panicked.  I wanted to run.  Talking about something and actually doing, are two very different things.  I suddenly felt nothing for this person that I had grown so attached to.  I could tell he was attracted to me, but the feeling was not mutual in the beginning.  I was uncomfortable and turned off in a way.  Sadly, I think what kept me from running through the airport and back to my car, was that I felt obligated.  I felt I owed him for coming so far to see me.

The first time we had sex was awful.  Really awful, actually.  We knew so much about each other mentally, but we knew nothing of each other physically.  I do not know what kept me around after that.  I had fallen in love with him in a way.  Our differences were exciting and we fed off them.  It was an escape.  I had lost myself somewhere and he picked me up and carried me off.  I stayed the course.  We learned, we adapted.  We came to be perfect lovers.  Each pushing the other.  Each learning from the other.  We became addicts eventually.  We had designed a complex life within a life, where we needed one another.

We did not see each other often due to distance, but we spoke on the phone for hours almost every day.  When one is forced to talk so much in a relationship, no topic is left unexplored.  I learned so much about myself and him.  We grew to deeply care for one another over the years.  I believe the reason our relationship lasted so long was because neither of us wanted to leave our families.  Our feelings were mutual on that subject, so there was never one person who was unhappy (enough) with the situation.

Our bond was intense.  I wanted to be buried with this person.  It pained me that we would not be.  I wiped this person’s runny nose with my finger, without thought.  I walked naked on a beach with this person…ME, the girl my mother always called a prude.  I gave this person every inch of me, willingly, openly, freely.  He gave me confidence.  He made me feel intelligent and beautiful.  He made me believe I could do anything.  No one in my entire life had ever praised me like he did.  It was something I deeply lacked during my childhood and I ate it up like ice cream on a stick.

I remember somewhere during this time watching the movie, Unfaithful.  That was me.  I only hoped it wouldn’t have the same ending.  Those movies ALWAYS have the same ending.  Why did I think mine would be so different? There is a scene in the movie where a friend is discouraging the thought of an affair to another because of her own experience.  She says remorsefully, “……someone finds out or someone falls in love and it ends disastrously.   They always end disastrously.”  It haunted me.  I am sure I knew deep down it was not going to end well, but I could not stop.  I was on a runaway train.  I felt if I jumped, I would surely die.

Up next:  Fear Becomes Me, Part One.

9 thoughts on “A secret life.

  1. Thank you for sharing this. I think it’s quite brave of you. Good luck on your journey. No judgement on this end, only understanding especially with that kind of love and what you’ve been through/going through. 🙂

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate it, as it has not all been kind. My story is to help others in the middle of it or on their way out. If I have to take a few punches along the way, that’s OK. I’ve debated on “approving” some tough replies. I decided not to so far, because I don’t “approve” of them. I understand but I don’t think they are productive and instead promote negativity. So, again, thank you!

      1. You’re welcome. I will not pretend to “know” the extent of what you’re going through because people who do that are annoying and patronizing in my humble opinion. But words of support, understanding and respect are all I can offer. There’s so much negativity in the world already and I don’t believe in kicking a person especially when he/she is already down. So again, good luck. I know you’ll get there, eventually. 🙂

  2. Wow.
    You and I have just kind of gotten to know each other. I think I may have found your blog first but you just commented on one of my recent posts and I came on to wander through more of your doors and fouund this. And can I say it again? WOW!
    I understand in a totally different kind of way. Same thing… perfect family… In fact, I learned about a cheating friend and I was personally offended. Believe me. I think I needed the lesson I learned quickly after about glass houses and dropping my own rocks.
    My first love of decades earlier facebook friend requested me in 2011 and my little perfect world also became a trip down the rabbit hole of secret texts and meetings and yadda, yadda, yadda… waiting for the next contact high… just even a text or email was like a HIGH. I am surprised I still have my job. I call that time in my life my little blip. My story is a very long and sorted tale. I am writing a book about it. I couldn’t capsulize the message that I am trying to convey as well as you did here when you said it so well as : A cautionary tale!!!! SO GOOD!!!!
    Anyway it is funny. I think everyone thinks that they have a pheneomenon going. There is this First Love Reunited blog going :
    If you go back a a few months and then a few more months, it is people finding that site going through exactly what you described here. Except with their first loves re-finding them on the Internet. So maybe it is not just a first love thing but just a cheating thing. I know that I never dreamed that I would be doing it. And my excuse was that I never would have if it hadn’t been with that person… but who knows… I was bored and my nest was newly empty. I haven’t share this anywhere on my blog so I am kind of taking a leap of faith here. I intend to include it in my book somehow towards the end. Hopefully, with a redeeming message… I really like the way you put it: Cautionary tale 🙂
    But for now I just wanted to say that I am so glad that I found you and I understand!!!

    1. I truly appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. I still question every day if I should be telling my tale. I have had more positive feedback than negative, so I guess that’s what keeps me going. I do seem to have to work up to each new chapter. It has been some time since my last post on my story. I’m finding lots of distractions! Comments like yours keep me going so thank you so much for your support. 🙂

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