Being the One

Another day.

Another fight.

Why, why, why, can’t I just let go?  I do not want to bear the burden of being the one.  I do not want to utter those words again.  I’ve carried that burden before, being the one to have to tell another person that it’s over.  It rips your heart out and turns your stomach.  It is like being forced to hurt yourself, “Here, cut off your arm if you want to live!”   I know it needs to be done, I want to LIVE, but how can I do this again?   How do I say the words where there is no turning back?

From the very beginning of our marriage, whenever my husband and I would have an argument where he gets very upset and frustrated, he would say to me, “This just isn’t going to work.”  In the beginning, this cut like a knife.  It hurt, it scared me, and made me feel very insecure in our marriage.  I was often left perplexed as to why even minor disagreements ended up on the topic of divorce.  It was so foreign to me.  Something that bothered me would end up on the back burner and the next thing I knew I was fighting to save my marriage. Over time, of course, I learned his pattern.  I learned that he was all talk and no action.  It took going through a lot of pain and suffering to figure this out.  It was a comfort of some sort when the light finally came on.  I knew then that I didn’t need to keep fighting to stop him from leaving.  I could just let him simmer down and life would move on.

And life has moved on.

Now, I wish he would be the man of his word.  If he is as unhappy as he says he is, why doesn’t he just leave?  I know he will never, never leave me.  I know I will have to be the one.

Whatcha thinkin'?

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